How to Explore BDSM with a Partner
Navigating Curiosity, Consent, and Kinky Conversations

Published: August 4, 2025

Tags: BDSM Communication

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Prev: Consent, Communication, and Negotiation

Part of: BDSM Basics

You’re curious about BDSM—and that’s a great place to start. Whether you’re craving control, submission, or just a little something new in the bedroom, this guide will help you explore what excites you, understand your own desires, and talk to your partner without feeling awkward.

So, you’re curious about BDSM—but not totally sure where to start?

Maybe you’ve seen something spicy on TV or read a book that stirred something in you. Maybe your partner mentioned something about handcuffs and your stomach did a little flip (in a good way). Or maybe you’re just looking to bring a little extra spark to your sex life. Whatever brought you here, welcome.

BDSM—which stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism—is a wide, fascinating spectrum of erotic exploration. It can be playful, intense, loving, cathartic, silly, or deeply sensual. It’s not just about pain or punishment, and it doesn’t require leather outfits or a secret dungeon (unless you’re into that).

This guide is for you if you’re new to BDSM and want to explore it with a partner—but you’re not sure how to bring it up or where to begin. You might not know yet if you’re more dominant or submissive, and that’s completely okay. The beauty of BDSM is that it’s about discovering what feels good for you both, together.

Start with Self-Reflection

Before you dive into kinky play with a partner, it helps to understand what actually excites you. You don’t need to have it all figured out, and you definitely don’t need to put a label on yourself. But taking some time to explore your desires—on your own terms—can make the journey a lot more fun and a lot less overwhelming.

Ask Yourself

What kind of fantasies turn you on—even if they feel a little embarrassing?

Do you get excited by the idea of giving up control? Or maybe taking it?

Are there moments in intimacy where you’ve wanted more intensity, more direction, more teasing?

Sometimes the answers are surprising. Maybe you love the idea of being blindfolded but aren’t into being tied up. Maybe you’re curious about spanking—but only if it’s playful and paired with lots of aftercare. Or maybe the words “Yes, Sir” or “Good girl” give you that delicious little tingle.

This is your invitation to notice those moments.

Try This

Write down a few of your fantasies, no matter how vague or silly they seem.
Use an online tool like a Yes/No/Maybe List or a BDSM quiz just to see what piques your interest.
Notice what your body reacts to—even a raised eyebrow or the tone of someone’s voice can be a clue.

You don’t have to “pick a side” between Dominant or submissive. Some people switch. Some people never fit neatly into a box. What matters is being honest with yourself about what makes you feel excited, safe, and seen.

BDSM isn’t about being someone else—it’s about getting closer to who you really are when the lights go low and the trust runs deep.

How to Talk to Your Partner About BDSM, and Not Make it Weird

Okay, so you’re curious. Maybe even excited. But how do you bring this up with your partner without it feeling awkward, out-of-nowhere, or like you’re asking for something too much?

First, take a deep breath. You’re not alone in feeling nervous about this conversation—but the truth is, many people have secret desires they’ve never voiced. Bringing them into the open can actually be a huge turn-on for both of you.

Here’s how to make it a little easier:

Pick the Right Moment

Choose a relaxed, low-pressure time to talk—not in the middle of sex, or right before falling asleep. Try chatting during a walk, after watching a steamy show together, or during a cozy night in with no distractions.

Use Curiosity, Not Demands

You don’t have to have a full plan. You’re just inviting your partner to explore something together. Try phrases like:

“I read something interesting about BDSM and it made me curious…”
“Have you ever thought about trying something a little kinkier?”
“I had this dream where you pinned my wrists and whispered in my ear… it really stuck with me.”

You’re not saying, “We have to do this.” You’re saying, “I’d like to explore this with you—how does that feel for you?”

Use Shared Media to Break the Ice

Sometimes a book, movie, or article can say it better than we can. Watch something sexy together and ask what parts they liked. Share a blog post (even this one!) and ask, “Anything in here catch your eye?”

Expect Curiosity or Even Confusion

Your partner might say “Yes!” with excitement… or they might need a little time. That’s okay. You’re planting a seed, not delivering an ultimatum.

Most Importantly: Keep It Playful

Approaching this with curiosity and a little humor can make all the difference. You’re not handing over a kink resume. You’re flirting with ideas. You’re inviting intimacy. That’s sexy.

If there’s one non-negotiable rule in BDSM, it’s this: everything must be consensual. That might sound obvious, but as walked about in our article about consent it goes much deeper than just saying “yes.”

Consent in BDSM is about creating a space where both you and your partner feel free to express your desires—and your limits—without fear or shame. That’s what makes it feel exciting and safe.

It’s an ongoing conversation, before, during, and after any kind of play. It’s also fully revocable—just because you said “yes” last week doesn’t mean you’re obligated to say yes today.

You don’t have to memorize acronyms—but talking through your limits, expectations, and feelings ahead of time? That’s the real heart of BDSM.

Set a Safeword

Even if you’re just starting with light play, choose a safeword that means “stop everything immediately.” Many people use the traffic light system:

Green = I’m good, keep going
Yellow = I’m reaching a limit, slow down or check in
Red = Stop everything now

Knowing that you can stop at any time—no explanations needed—creates a foundation of trust.

Don’t Skip the Aftercare

BDSM can stir up all kinds of emotions, even from gentle play. Aftercare is the time you take after a scene to come back to center—whether that’s cuddling, talking, or just lying quietly together.

Aftercare helps both partners feel seen, grounded, and appreciated. It’s not optional. It’s part of the intimacy.

Explore Together: Beginner-Friendly Activities to Try

Once you’ve had the conversation and laid the groundwork for consent, it’s time for the fun part—trying things out together! You don’t have to go from vanilla to full dungeon overnight. In fact, many people start small and discover what they love along the way.

Below are some beginner-friendly activities you can explore together, no special gear or labels required.

Light Bondage

Start with a silky scarf, soft restraints, or even just holding your partner’s wrists gently against the bed. The goal isn’t to trap them—it’s to create a sense of being held, controlled, or teased.

💡 Try this: Ask your partner to close their eyes and lie back while you tie their hands loosely with a scarf. Whisper what you’re going to do next—or surprise them.

Sensation Play

Sensation play is about stimulating the senses with different textures and temperatures. Think: feathers, ice cubes, warm oil, or a soft flogger.

💡 Try this: Blindfold your partner and drag a cool metal spoon, a warm washcloth, or the tips of your fingers across their skin. Ask them to guess what you’re using.

Spanking (Yes, Really)

A little spanking can be playful, sexy, or cathartic. Start over clothing or on soft areas like thighs and buttocks. Always check in on intensity.

💡 Try this: Ask your partner to bend over the bed and count each spank you give them. Give them praise or tease them between each one.

Power Dynamics & Verbal Play

You don’t need a full roleplay script to experiment with Dominance and submission. Sometimes, the right tone of voice or a well-placed “Good girl” or “On your knees” is all it takes.

💡 Try this: Ask your partner to undress for you slowly while you stay clothed. Give them instructions. Watch their reaction.

Teasing and Denial

This is a fun, frustrating (in a good way) way to build tension. Try edging (bringing each other close to orgasm and backing off), delaying gratification, or making them “earn” pleasure.

💡 Try this: Set a timer and tell your partner they can’t touch themselves until it rings. Text them instructions while they wait.

Start Simple, Go Slow

You don’t have to try everything at once. Pick one idea that excites you both and focus on that. It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to mess up. The goal is to connect and learn together.

And remember: if something doesn’t feel right, stop and talk. That’s not a failure—it’s part of the process.

Keep the Communication Open

So you tried something new—maybe it was thrilling, maybe it felt awkward, or maybe you’re not sure how you feel yet. That’s normal.

In BDSM, communication doesn’t end when the scene begins—or when it ends. In fact, some of the most important conversations happen after you play.

Check In (Gently)

After a scene, once you’ve had a chance to come down and reconnect, talk about it. You can say something like:

“How did that feel for you?”
“Was there anything that really worked?”
“Was anything uncomfortable or confusing?”

Even if something didn’t go perfectly, approaching the conversation with care (and a little humor) turns it into an opportunity to learn together—not a moment of judgment.

💡 Example: Maybe you tried spanking and your partner liked the teasing but didn’t love the sting. That’s great info for next time—maybe focus more on words and rhythm, and less on impact.

Celebrate What Felt Good

Affirm the things that did work. Even a simple, “I loved how you looked at me when I was tied up,” can go a long way. Positive feedback helps build confidence—and trust.

Normalize Revisions

Sometimes what sounds hot in fantasy feels different in real life. That’s okay. You’re not doing BDSM wrong if something doesn’t click.

Think of it like tuning an instrument: it takes a few tries to get the harmony just right. Communicate, adjust, try again. That’s how your dynamic will grow.

Use Your Safewords Outside of Play Too

Establishing a shared language of safety doesn’t have to stop at the bedroom. If you’re in the middle of a conversation and one of you feels overwhelmed, you can say “yellow” to signal you need a pause, or “red” if something needs to stop entirely.

The more you normalize these tools, the stronger your connection becomes.

Gear, Toys, and Resources

You don’t need a dungeon or a drawer full of leather to explore BDSM. But sometimes, a little gear can add novelty, excitement, and structure to your play. Think of it like setting the stage—it’s not necessary, but it can enhance the experience.

Beginner Gear Ideas

You can find all kinds of toys online or even around the house. Here are a few gentle introductions:

Soft restraints like Velcro cuffs or under-the-bed systems
Blindfolds (even a sleep mask will do!)
Feather ticklers, massage wands, or textured gloves
Impact toys like paddles, floggers, or even a firm wooden spoon
Collars or chokers (used with care) for a symbolic or aesthetic touch

💡 Try this: Surprise your partner with a small kit—like a blindfold, a feather, and a note with three things you want to try. Let them pick one.

Safety First

Avoid anything that could cause injury or cut off circulation. Never use rope unless you’ve learned proper bondage safety (and always have safety scissors on hand). Stick to body-safe materials and follow cleaning instructions carefully.

Communication Tools

Consider using a Yes/No/Maybe list or a shared Google Doc to list ideas, limits, and fantasies. This can take the pressure off talking about it in the moment.

Learn Together

Curiosity is sexy. Reading a book, watching a tutorial, or listening to a podcast together can make BDSM feel less mysterious—and way more fun.

Recommended beginner-friendly resources

The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino on Amazon
Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams on Amazon
The “BDSM Basics” section on websites like ours, Scarleteen or Submissive Guide
FetLife (social network for kinksters, best used with caution and guidance)

You don’t have to become an expert overnight. Just pick one thing that interests you and explore it together.

When One Partner’s Unsure or Hesitant

It’s totally normal for one partner to be more curious or ready than the other. BDSM is vulnerable stuff—it brings up fantasies, roles, and emotions that many people haven’t had space to explore. If your partner seems unsure, that doesn’t mean the door is closed. It just means you’ll need to move with care and patience.

Be Curious, Not Convincing

Instead of trying to sell them on BDSM, try asking questions. What’s appealing or unappealing about it to them? What feelings come up when they hear words like “dominant,” “submission,” or “bondage”? Their answers might surprise you—and give you clues for how to meet in the middle.

💡 Try this: “I’m not asking for anything right now—I just want to understand what comes up for you when you think about this stuff.”

Validate Their Feelings

Sometimes people hesitate because of myths (like “only broken people like BDSM”) or bad past experiences. They may feel self-conscious, nervous, or just uninformed. Let them know you’re open to whatever pace feels right and that their comfort matters just as much as yours.

💬 “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. I just love the idea of exploring with you—whether that’s full kink or just talking about fantasies.”

Find Common Ground

Even if they’re not into being tied up or spanked, they might be curious about verbal play, teasing, or being in control. You can explore aspects of BDSM—like anticipation, power exchange, or new textures—without jumping into a full scene.

Play Where You Already Connect

Sometimes the best way in is through the familiar. If you already have playful banter or one of you tends to take the lead in bed, you might already be dabbling in BDSM without realizing it. Build on that.

Remember: consent goes both ways. Just as you deserve space to express your kinky side, your partner deserves the freedom to explore—or not—on their own terms. It’s not a race. It’s a dialogue.

Normalize, Celebrate, and Evolve

Exploring BDSM isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about making space for parts of yourself that were already there.

It’s easy to think of BDSM as something separate from “normal” sex or relationships. But here’s the truth: wanting more intensity, more intention, or more surrender in your intimate life is completely human. And celebrating that desire is powerful.

BDSM Isn’t Just for “Those” People

You don’t have to look a certain way, be in a certain kind of relationship, or have a specific kink identity to explore BDSM. There’s no official club, no checklist you need to complete. If something turns you on and you and your partner explore it safely and consensually—that counts.

Growth Is Inevitable (and Good!)

Your desires may shift over time. You might discover you love giving orders or that you crave being praised and punished—or that you enjoy switching between the two. That’s not confusion. That’s growth.

Try not to box yourself in too early. Labels can be helpful, but they’re not required.

💡 What felt edgy last month might become your new favorite. What once intimidated you might become your most trusted ritual. Let your journey evolve.

Celebrate Your Wins

Did you have your first honest conversation about kink? Did you try something new, even if it was small? That’s worth celebrating. Every step you take toward deeper connection, self-knowledge, or shared pleasure is meaningful.

Light a candle. Journal about how it felt. Text your partner: “That thing you did last night? Still thinking about it.” These moments build intimacy that lasts far beyond the scene.

Your BDSM Adventure Starts With a Conversation

If you’re here, reading this, you’re already doing something brave—listening to your curiosity and wondering what it might feel like to share that side of yourself with someone else.

That’s the real beginning of BDSM. Not the handcuffs. Not the spanking. The conversation.

You don’t need to know your exact role. You don’t need a perfect plan. All you need is a sense of wonder, a willingness to talk, and a partner who’s open to growing with you.

Start with a question. Share a fantasy. Try something small. Talk about it after. And repeat.

BDSM isn’t about performing—it’s about discovering. It’s about finding the parts of you that want to be seen, held, teased, cherished, or challenged… and trusting someone enough to bring those parts to light.

So tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever the time feels right—start the conversation. You never know what kind of magic you might unlock together.