Is Bdsm for Me?
Explore your desires and how they align with BDSM

Published: February 9, 2024

Tags: BDSM Dominance Submission Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism

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Do you find yourself dreaming about BDSM but you’re not sure if you’re ready? I’m here to help. I’ve got the questions you need to ask yourself (and your partner) to make up your mind and a roadmap for you to follow when you do decide you are ready. And we’ve even got some of the potential roadblocks you need to keep your eyes out for.

What is BDSM again?

If you recall our earlier introduction to BDSM, BDSM is a combination of several different but overlapping practices.

Putting it simply, those practices are:

• Bondage: Think ropes and cuffs. This can be restrictive, sensual, or even just artistic.
• Discipline: The practice of establishing rules and the punishments for breaking them.
• Dominance: An exchange of power where you assume control over another.
• Submission: The opposite of dominance where you give up control of yourself.
• Sadism: Taking erotic pleasure in causing or watching pain (in many forms) of another.
• Masochism: The opposite of sadism where you enjoy pain (of some kind) yourself.

But remember, contrary to some pop culture portrayals of BDSM (looking at you Fifty Shades) show, BDSM is so much more than just the physical acts. In fact, many practitioners would argue that the mental and emotional aspect, or headspace, is the most important part. BDSM is all about the intent behind the actions. Most of the physical aspects of BDSM would correctly be called abuse if they are not built on top of a foundation of open and honest communication and trust, also known as consent. We will get into that topic in detail in another article in this series.

How to know if you are ready

Well, if you’re reading this article, congrats! You’ve already taken a big step that shows you might be ready to dip your toes into the ocean that is BDSM. Remember that open communication is one of the foundations of BDSM? A big part of that is having an open mind and not judging anyone, most especially yourself, for your desires. Or more simply: THOU SHALT NOT KINK SHAME!

But remember that honesty was another one of those foundations? That starts with being honest with yourself. So lets start by asking some questions to see if you are ready. And it is always a good idea to keep asking yourself these questions throughout your journey through the world of BDSM.

Personal desires

First of all, does the thought of any of this excite you? For now its enough to simply be curious about broad topics like bondage. We will have later articles that guide you on discovering what actually gets your motor running by filling out a sex menu. But you do need to be honest with yourself and ensure that you are able to mentally put yourself fully into your fantasy before you take the next steps.

Emotional Stability

Are you emotionally stable enough to handle the physical and mental sensation that BDSM can cause? And I don’t just mean the feelings during the act. Even a scene that perfectly scratches your itch and goes off without a hitch can cause powerful feelings after the fact.

With a strong connection with your partner this can be a great thing. Some of the most intense bonding happens during the practice of aftercare, or the controlled unwinding after a scene. But if you’re not able to handle it or if something goes wrong, it can go very wrong. Before starting you need to be willing to accept the risk.

Limits

Where are you right now, where do you want to go, and where do you want to avoid? It’s best to pick a few areas that you think you are most likely to enjoy and start there. But it also helps to think about where your limits are. When you are just starting out it is easiest to simply set your limits where you don’t think you will be pushing yourself much at all. In a later article we will talk about establishing soft and hard limits that allow you to challenge yourself and grow with your partner.

Relationships

If you are in a relationship, you need to be aligned with your partner or partners. Even if you don’t plan for them to participate, you cannot hide this from a partner. If your partner is receptive, this is a perfect time to explore together, but be sure to talk about expectations up front. It is inevitable to hit some form of bump in the road, having expectations laid out before that happens makes it easier for everyone. And make sure to have frequent check ins with your partner to make sure everyone is still on the same page.

What to know before you start

You will need to grow

Remember when you first tried to assemble IKEA furniture? Fumbling with alien allen keys, trying to interpret inscrutable diagrams, and wrestling with pieces that just didn’t seem to fit – it made you uncomfortable, right? As it turns out, exploring BDSM for the first time can feel a lot like that. There’s a bunch of unfamiliar terms (dominant, submissive, sadist - sound more like a boy band’s fan base than pleasure pursuits), equipment, and scenarios that will likely make you squirm - and not always in the way you might expect. Discomfort comes hand-in-hand with the unknown. It’s like the first touch of cold water when you dive into a pool, unnerving at first but absolute bliss once you’re in and paddling. Remember, every great adventure begins with a feeling of uncertainty!

There will be stumbles

Something will eventually go wrong, but you don’t need to give up. The very nature of BDSM play involves heightened emotions and potentially real or imagined risk. At some point this will become too much, potentially not even during your play. After an intense session there is a phenomenon known as subdrop that results from the rapid change of mental state. The best way to mitigate this is to always keep communication open and make sure to take time to reconnect with your partner after any play.

It shouldn’t just be in the bedroom

None of these activities should be taken lightly, you need to put in work both in and out of the bedroom. The best BDSM players are reading and learning and practicing and planning constantly. You should do the same, even at the start of your journey. Before starting a scene you should at the very least have a plan of where you want to go and how you are going to get there. And you should have explicit consent from anyone else involved.

First steps on your journey

If you are starting on this journey from scratch, I would suggest experimenting with what you have. There’s no need to run out and buy a bunch of stuff up front. Find some porn that is relevant to your desires and watch that while playing. Introduce role playing where you pretend that you are exploring your fantasies together before actually trying it. If you’re looking to try out bondage, try using materials you already have on hand like bed sheets, belts, scarves. Not only are these generally safer options than rope, but they are also a little easier and not as restrictive. After you have taken these first exploratory steps, now you can go shopping if you’re wanting more. Buy some toys and incorporate them in your play.

We will have upcoming articles that explore each of the basic BDSM activities and provide some more specific guidance in the very near future. Remember to always keep open communication with yourself and your partner and always have consent and safety at the top of your mind.

Finding resources

There are tons of resources about BDSM online but that need not be your only source of information. Some of the best material out there are books, available from Amazon or your local bookstore or library. There are also numerous online communities where you can learn from others. While most people in the lifestyle are eager to help others any chance they get, you might encounter someone gatekeeping or just being an asshole. Just move on, there are plenty of other resources out there.

We will of course be continuing this series on the basics of BDSM here at The Strawberry Patch so be sure to check back often. After you have grasped the basics we also have more detailed series of articles to improve your Domination, submission, bondage, or anything else you desire. We also have reviews of sex toys and other BDSM equipment to help you decide what you want to buy.

Until then, catch you on the wild side! 🐺