Silencing the Critic Within
How to Overcome Negative Self-Talk

Published: March 20, 2024

Tags: Self Care Mental Health Emotional Health

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How is that little voice in your head doing? Is it saying things that fill you with energy and happiness or is it making you feel down? That little voice in your head is responsible for what we call self-talk and its positivity or negativity can greatly affect your opinions, emotions, and views of yourself and others. Negative self-talk can have a serious impact on your confidence, sexuality, and your body image, affecting both your pleasure and sex drive.

Words have power, especially your own, even if you are the only one who hears them. One of my favorite things is the saying “the first step to solving any problem is realizing you have one.” So in that spirit, let’s talk about negative self-talk; what it is, how to recognize it, and strategies for transforming it into a force for good.

Understanding Negative Self-Talk: What It Is and Why It Matters

Do you ever find yourself thinking:

• I’m not good enough
• I can’t do anything right
• There is nothing special about me
• I hate ____ about my body
• Why would they like me?
• I can’t compete
• What if they judge me?
• It’s too difficult
• It should be easy
• Everybody else can do it, why can’t I?

These are a few examples of negative self-talk but it comes in all shapes and varieties. Almost everyone is guilty of negative self-talk to some degree. Doubts and reservations are a human response to things we deem difficult or embarrassing.

Personally I struggle a lot with what I would call “apologizing for being me” which has resulted in me saying “I’m sorry” A LOT, and for things I have no business being sorry for. I apologize for talking excitedly, singing to myself (even quietly), dancing subtly, making noises. This is a left-over response from feeling I’m too nerdy, strange, hyper, annoying, etc. While I no longer struggle quite so much with feeling that way, I will still apologize to the people around me if I find myself doing those things. Now-a-days Wolf often catches me and corrects me 😅

It goes a little something like this:

Me: does a little dancey-dance and hums because i like the song in my head and i’m happy

Also Me: notices Wolf noticing me and freezes “I’m sorry”

Wolf: “No you aren’t”

Me: looks up, puzzled, thinks for a second “you’re right… I’m not” continues my dancey dance

And life rolls on.

I still struggle with a self conscious inner voice and the feeling that others will find me annoying or unlikeable. Recognizing that my inner voice is just that, a self conscious voice that I allowed to affect my confidence and behavior and take away from my happiness was the easy part. Catching those negative thoughts and telling them to shut-up is an ongoing battle. Correcting the behavioral habits I’ve developed because of that negative self-talk is a difficult but worthwhile and freeing experience.

Patterns of Negative Self-Talk

There are many different forms of negative self-talk so I’ll just list the big ones. See if any of these sound familiar to you.

Filtering

Filtering is when you filter out positive things, leaving only the negative. By focusing only on the negative and failing to acknowledge your positives as well, everything can seem so much more negative!

Let’s roleplay! Say that…

• You got up and got ready on time
• Grabbed a coffee on your way to work
• Had a productive day at the office
• Had lunch with an office friend
• Stopped at the grocery store on the way home
• Had a nice dinner and prepared for tomorrow

Now… imagine the coffee order was wrong and you didn’t get to finish part of the work you wanted to finish today. If you think your day is ruined, then you may be FILTERING! That was a productive and overall positive day! Be proud of your accomplishments and don’t let a few bumps in the road hold you down.

If you are struggling with this, take a moment and write down some positive things that happened and remember that everything counts, no matter how big or small.

Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing is when you automatically jump to the worst case scenario, even if it isn’t really warranted.

Roleplay time again! Using the same day as above, let’s imagine you encounter an accident on your way to work and you are in traffic. If you immediately assume you’ll be stuck there for hours and your whole day will be ruined, you may be CATASTROPHIZING!

While yes, that may be a possibility, but is it likely? Not even close! Everyone works to clear traffic jams as efficiently as possible. Is it something you can change? No, so take a deep breath, prepare to adjust for a more likely small delay, and…

🎵Let it go, Let it gooo🎵

You got this! You will live through this and you have the ability to adjust and make the most of it.

Personalizing

Personalizing is directly blaming yourself or thinking you are the cause of negative things that happen.

I struggle with this one quite a bit myself. Now, using the day we’ve been using, imagine you are having lunch with your friend and they need to leave early. Thinking “they left because they didn’t like me and don’t want to be around me.” That is more than likely not true.

To correct this, let’s challenge that narrative:

• What during lunch made you to believe that was true?
• What are the other possible reasons that may have happened?
  • Maybe they had errands to run?
  • Maybe they received a message of an emergency they had to handle right away?

Take a deep breath and think about what would make you have to do the same?

For a long time I struggled to think of any other reason, truly believing I was the cause despite my best efforts. I tackled this in the most straightforward way possible. I asked. “Hey, is everything okay? You kind of rushed off yesterday and I was worried?” Once I started to realize the more I asked that there were tons of other reasons other than me that things happen, I started to get better and better at it! Remember, practice makes perfect. Give yourself more credit, you deserve it!

Polarizing

Polarizing is forcing everything to be either pure good or bad. The feeling that it has to all go right in order for it to be good. Polarizing often causes perfectionism because of this.

Your friend is coming over and your house doesn’t look like it waltzed out of a southern living magazine? Oh my gosh it’s awful! Terrible! Your house is a disaster! … Absolutely not. Living in your house is normal, I know this may be hard to believe, but 99% of people live in theirs too.

Your presentation at work went well, but you stumbled over a few sentences. Does that mean you failed? Absolutely not! It went really well and you made it all the way through and delivered everything you were supposed to.

Perfection is an imaginary idea, literally nothing and no one in the entire world is perfect, it’s part of being human. Be kind to yourself and remember that each time you do something you will get better at it. Remember that perfection is not the goal, doing your best is.

No man’s best is perfect. Here are some quotes to help you remember:

• “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
• “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” - Shakespeare

Next Steps

Negative self-talk has been found to fuel depression and anxiety, making sufferers struggle more to feel more positive about themselves and their lives. With your mind filled with negativity you will find your stress levels rising and your self esteem lowering. Sadly these things can lead to a sense of hopelessness that makes it hard to believe in yourself and your ability to have a more positive life. It’s never too late to get started, start listening to yourself, hear the things you are telling yourself, and remember that it’s always within your power to shut those voices down and put them in their place. If you need to, drown them out, start listing the good until you cant hear their nonsense anymore.

Think of the most positive person you can think of and make your own personal cheerleader in your head! It’s your mind, take control of it again.

Remember, we publish new articles weekly. So if this article isn’t quite what you needed, come back soon and read another. We have all kinds of helpful topics, and if you don’t find what you need, drop us a line!

Until next time, Strawberry Angel 🍓😇