Is Masturbation Cheating?
Tips For Addressing Conflict

Published: December 26, 2023

Tags: Sexual Wellness Self Care Masturbation Relationships Communication

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Masturbation is widely considered both physically and emotionally healthy by experts and most people do it. But is it acceptable behavior in your relationship? Masturbating does not rise to the level of infidelity but some partners may still see it as a betrayal like cheating. Learn how to navigate this subject with your partner through informed communication and learn the warning signs to keep it from impacting your relationship.

What Is Cheating

“Cheating” itself is a highly subjective matter which has different definitions to different people and can even depend highly on context. Many people may be tempted to outright say “I can’t cheat on you with myself” or “It’s not infidelity so it’s not cheating” and while this might satisfy the dictionary definition of the word, it also totally misses the point. For most people what matters is the sense of betrayal, no matter what form that takes. If you did something that your partner considers out of bounds, they are going to feel betrayed.

What To Know About Masturbation

When discussing this question with your partner, it can help to understand why you/your partner might want to masturbate. As we covered in our article about the benefits of masturbation, there are a bunch of healthy reasons why people might masturbate. Even while in a healthy relationship, many people masturbate and for many different reasons. If you want some data to back yourself up, or just to know we aren’t blowing smoke, you can see it all in this study from 2023 .

Some reasons are completely harmless like “there was nothing else to do” and some reasons might be potentially problematic like compulsive masturbation. But we’re going to frame this discussion around the healthy reasons. Things like stress or sexual tension relief, exploring your own fantasies, or your own body and sexuality are incredibly healthy reasons to masturbate. There are some reasons to watch out for that might be harmful though, namely if you feel like you aren’t getting enough sex from your partner or if your partner is unable to make you cum. Neither reason is unhealthy on its own, take care of your own needs by all means, but you should talk to your partner about this or risk it becoming a source of resentment, potentially for both of you. Read our article about why you shouldn’t fake orgasms for one idea how this might happen.

In Your Partner’s Shoes

Because the sense of betrayal is such a personal matter, it is important to try to understand your partner’s point of view. It will be very difficult to have a productive discussion with your partner if you are unable to understand their point of view, or at least try. We will run through some of the most common reasons but this is a highly personal matter so we can’t cover everything.

It’s Wrong

Your partner may believe masturbation itself is just wrong for some reason. For some it is against their religion. Others may have just been conditioned by society to see it that way. Just because an activity is frequently undiscussed and done in private does not inherently make it wrong. Dig deep and try to find out why your partner feels this way before trying work around it.

It Makes Me Uncomfortable

There are many ways that masturbation could make your partner uncomfortable which can lead to a sense of betrayal. Your partner may draw an unhealthy comparison from your masturbation, especially if you tend to watch porn while doing it. Pornography can create or reinforce a lot of unhealthy thoughts, especially behaviors and body comparisons. Being compared to porn models can make anyone feel unattractive.

It Impacts Our Sex Life

Your partner can rightly, or wrongly, think that your masturbation impacts your sex life together. This almost always boils down to a miscommunication. Be up front about your desires and align your expectations with your partner. If you don’t think you’re getting enough sex then your partner needs to know that. If you’re just doing it to have some me time and get in touch with your body or your fantasies, they should know that too. Who knows, it might even lead to some extra sexy mutual masturbation.

It Makes Me Feel Inadequate

Both male and female partners can feel that your masturbation is a reflection on their performance. Sometimes this might even be the case if your partner isn’t able to reliably make you orgasm. Be honest. If your partner does struggle to make you cum, this is a learning opportunity that can be incredibly fun. Communicate with your partner to tell them, or show them, what gets you off.

It Feels Like Lying

If you were caught in the act because you were hiding it, that can be all it takes to make your partner feel like you were lying to them. The fact that masturbation is generally regarded with taboo or secrecy can really reinforce this feeling. It is important to help your partner understand why you were really masturbating rather than just trying to convince them you weren’t hiding or lying.

You Can’t Cheat With Yourself

With all that said, we, and many studies and experts, believe that it simply isn’t cheating. That isn’t saying that you should dismiss or minimize your partner’s concerns. It is totally possible for other associated behaviors to be problematic for your relationship and yes, it is possible for masturbation itself to be a problem. But that isn’t cheating.

How To Recover

Hopefully you are proactively reading this article and things haven’t come crashing down already, in which case, simply go talk to your partner. But if you have already been caught, or fought, or anything else, these strategies can help you wade through the mud to come out on the other side in a happier, healthier relationship.

Identify Problematic Behaviors

First off, you need to honestly evaluate why, how, and when you masturbate. Are you using masturbation to replace your partner? Is your masturbation conflicting with your social, profession, or sex life? Are you watching porn with unhealthy imagery or becoming reliant on it? If so, tackle these problems first. It can be helpful to enlist help from your partner, in fact it can even help rebuild any trust that may have been lost. And if you are still struggling it can be helpful to seek professional help.

Communicate

A sense of betrayal comes from misaligned or misunderstood expectations. Misunderstandings could have been prevented with quality communication. Talk with your partner and understand their point of view and make sure they understand yours. Continued communication will help everyone feel like things aren’t happening behind their back.

Set Boundaries

Work with your partner to compromise and set appropriate boundaries for your behavior. What kinds of things make your partner uncomfortable? Is it only okay to masturbate after asking about sex or other activities? Is pornography okay? Do you want to watch or play along? These are just some of the questions that might come up.

Goal Setting

This might sound like a corporate cliche, but successful companies use this process because it works. Make it work for your relationship. Discuss some goals that both of you can drive toward. Set aside time for communication and intimacy. Explicitly declaring your goals can help you both feel much more satisfied in continuing to meet them.

Final Thoughts

Masturbation is a general healthy activity that no one should feel ashamed about. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for wanting to masturbate and your partner shouldn’t feel bad that you are. Take the opportunity to talk to your partner and grow your relationship. You might be surprised by what you might discover and where it might take you.

If this helped you or you want more advice, please reach out through our contact page. And remember that a healthy mind is a huge part of a healthy relationship and good sex! So come back often and read more of our articles and reviews here at The Strawberry Patch.